SEARCH ENGINE TEST

 Wolfram Alpha (www.wolframalpha.com) is supposed to be the absolute new hot shit in search engines, because unlike google it understands what you want. So, I went down and checked and then checked some other search engines and this is the result.

I used the best way and one of the most important questions, with an easy answer:

“Who is the private black dick that is a sex machine to all the chicks?”

Easy, right? Everybody knows the answer.

Here is what Wolfram Alpha had to say:

Wolfram|Alpha isn't sure what to do with your input.

Not very satisfactory.

Let’s check the master of all classes: Google.

291.000 answers. The first link is a forum about the movie Shaft with Samuel L. Jackson. Close. The second one is a forum where people can post questions and others answer them. The top8 answers are “Shaft?”, “Me”, “King Dong”, “Shaft, can you dig it?”, “I hear that shaft is one bad mother…” and a YouTube-link to Issac Hayes. A lot, but no authority in the answer. I want dedication and soul. Everything is just plain white bread.

Google Picture search is always fun. And it is right on the spot with this:

But, alas, there is no sound. And what is the answer without sound!? Moreover, right there on the top page is this also:

WTF? Do you want your six year old niece to see this? Okay, so maybe she shouldn’t see that movie at all and maybe she has seen worse, but anyway. I feel completely at ease with my sexuality, so I don’t mind.

Next: Does anyone remember Yahoo? It is also a search engine and it was pretty well known a few decades ago. Let’s try it!

The first answer link goes directly to a DVD-online-shop. 100 points for sales-orientation. The Second link is for a personals network, with following tagline “Sexy personals for passionate singles. Try Passion.com for a hotter love, more pleasure, and more fantasy.” Does Yahoo think a black private dick in black leather would need this? 100 points off for being so far off the mark.

Next one: Alta Vista. It is even older than Yahoo. See, Alta Vista is also a search engine, and … aw, forget it. I tried the search and the top3 links are “Girl being fucked by man with dick the size of a horse`s …”, “snatch gets stuffed with stiff dick! Sara's clit takes a major licking! ...” and “Black chicks. Blondes. Blowjobs. Bondage. Brunette. Cumshots. Deep Throat. Fetish. Gang Bang ... Petite dark haired teen cutie eats and rides a big hard dick. ...” I wonder, why Google won the race for best known search engine. Holy maccaroni, never use AltaVista in the office or with your mother around!!

Webcrawler is a meta-search engine. That means it searches other search engines. (Hey, I have an idea for a meta-meta-search engine. A search engine that searches other meta-search engines. Hopefully nobody invents a meta-meta-meta-search engine.) Sounds like a clever concept, doesn’t it? Maybe that is way it only allows short query entries and stops mine after “…machine to” The answers are pretty close there. Even a link to an article about blaxploitation movies. But still, restricting questions? Arrogant bastard.

So, I turned off the internet and tried out something I remember from way back when: asking other people. I called up a five friends and the result was: 3 shouted “Shaft!” in my ear and one even started to sing the whole thing. Only Herbert mumbled something or other about not having time because his World of Warcraft account was collapsing and could I call him back later, maybe in a year or so. But Herbert has always been a little strange and he actually is not a real friend because nobody has seen him face to face in the last two years.

What is the final account on my test: forget the internet. It will never understand you. Only your friends are good for you.

Now back to that AltaVista-thing for more research…

Georg Cracked, May 2009.