I HATE CONCERTS  

A few weeks ago, I tried to see Bonnie Prince Billie live in concert and that event reminded me of why I used to hate concerts. Two points off at the beginning. First, Will Oldham and his band were great. No fault there. Second, most concerts seem to be okay,as long as you are able to get drunk fast enough. In my opinion, concert has to be the greek word for congregation of assholes. Truly, never have I seen such an amount of self-righteous, better-than-thou, happy-go-lucky egomaniac, self-indulged dogpiles than on concerts. Of course, there is always the local chapter of the “society for oversized people with nervous twitching syndrome” attending and, yup, they are always right in front of me. As soon as I find a good place to watch the show, some big fella and his even bigger girlfriend build up in front of me. Usually, they have a little dragging and bullying to do, to get to their spot in front of the stage (and me), but they manage the task with the same darwinistic brutality they used in high-school to bully smaller kids. No, I am not small. I’m not big either. I know I am able to see over other people at concerts, because I can see everything just before they come in and take their place in front of me. So, whats your problem, you ask? Just take a step to the side. Wrong. These types have nervous limbs. Can’t stay still for a single minute. Have to constantly rearrange the way, they stand. They move right, I move left and vice versa. Next time, they move right, I move left, their girlfriend stands in front of me. We are in the audience, not in fucking ballet.

Then there is smoke. Everybody smokes. Someone always smokes dope, but they way it smells, it could be old dishrags, somebody tries to inhale. And speaking of drugs, have you noticed, that there is always at least on guy in the audience, who is seriously on some good acid or speed. He is the guy that will start to dance feverishly during the most depressive ballads in a Willard Grant Conspiracy-concert (I’ve seen it!).

Finally, of course, there is the most despiseable crowd amongst all concert-goers. You can recognize them by their all-knowing, been-there-seen-that, bored-to-death faces. The ones, who can never keep their witty ideas to themselves, but have to shout them into the ears of their colleagues right at this moment. It’s the come-in-everywhere-for-free-people (yeah, I paid for our tickets). Forever unsuccessful and untalented hobby-musicians, who never will get nearer to their dream of stardom, than standing in front of the stage. They will put down any musician, who is laying his heart in front of their feets, just because the first three notes of the concert didn’t hit their triggers at the very first moment. They can’t understand, why anybody would want to watch a whole concert? They are the despiseable, living scum known as music journalists. They always know everything, but never when it is time to leave (right now, actually!)

There are still many more things I could bore you with, e.g. expensive beer in plastic glasses, students who talk up the merchandising guy while he tries to sell a few CDs to give the band gas money, people who try to make fotos with flashlights when they are still five meters away from the stage. And I haven’t even started talking about punkrock-concerts yet. They are even worse.

To end this on a positive note, I was able to enjoy a few of the songs of Will Oldham. And, since there was no support band, we got home earlier than expected. Well, that’ something, ain’t it?

(Georg Cracked)